


Indeterminacy

by Rosemind



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Daddy Issues, Drama, Drinking, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Fucked Up, I will add more characters later, John A+ parenting, M/M, Multi, Smoking, i'm not even sure what i'm doing, poor Franny, summary sucks, there's no any lams I warned you
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2018-12-16 05:37:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11822307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosemind/pseuds/Rosemind
Summary: John's life is practically ruined. Shitty rented apartment, family tensions, 15-years lasting crush and amazing inability to cope with his emotions. Can it be ever worse? When he finally decides to fix it, unexpected suprises- for example, new-found daugher- fall right on his head...yeah, it can.





	1. Chapter 1

Strange things get to happen sometimes. 

Sometimes things or people which are seemingly unrelated get to be much more connected than it seems.

On the other end of the Earth there lived a person whose life was going to change unpredictably very soon.

But at the same time, for 5 and a half thousand miles away on another continent, in a small apartment in the heart of New York City, John Laurens woke up.

He winced rising from the couch and rubbed his forehead trying to remember what he was doing last night. He drank, that's obvious, and... yeah, he was alone.

Lonely nightly drinking, he thought bitterly. Actually it's hard to get a company when all your friends're married and have kids and jobs to care about. 

By the way, the job. 

John stood up and winced again of a dull pain hitting his head. He made his way to the kitchen unsteadily, and pressed the answering machine button.

He went right to the fridge to get a bottle of water or something cold as the messages kept playing. One from his boss, one from Laf- angry and upset at the same time, other from his ex- dry message that John need to get his stuff from his flat.

John didn't find the water, but instead there was a beer can. He was watching it for a few seconds, feeling a lot of temptation to open it and drain to the bottom, but restrained himself. 

He sighed putting it to his forehead. John closed his eyes, enjoying a nice cool, that was soothing a headache.

His damn ex- how could I even date this fucker- finally stopped talking and comfortable silence stayed for a few seconds. Then the machine clicked again- and John suppressed an annoyed sigh. No one cares for him, so why...

"Hi, John."

Laurens opened his eyes.

"It's me, Alex."

John smirked pathetically. I know that it's you, Alexander, I'll recognize your voice even when I'm dying of drunkenness.

"You might be sleeping now or whatever," Alexander's voice continued "But John...I really worry about you. We all do. You need to stop living like that."

Oh no, now he's upset. Great job, Laurens, you already upsetted Lafayette, made Hercules give up on useless attempts to bring you back to life, and now the love of your fucking petty life feels bad for your ass. 

"No one knows where you are, John. Why aren't you answering our calls?"

Because I'm drinking all the time. Because I can't deal with my emotions all the time. John was almost ready to cry now.

"Anyhow, call me when you'll be able to, okay?"

The machine clicked and the message was over. John was still standing with a can on his forehead. He slowly put his arm into a pocket of his jeans. Surprisingly, his phone was there, full of missed calls from his friends. He ignored them. It all can wait. First of all, Alexander. 

The phone buzzed only twice and Alex took a phone.

"John, holy fuck."

"Hi, man," John replied trying his voice to sound lighthearted and cheerful. Not like he's got a terrible hungover and feels like a shitty person at all.

"You sound terrible," Alex was not the one to got deceived easily. But his all tone was so worried, and John wanted to burst into tears again.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine, really," he leaned his free hand on the countertop, holding the phone between ear and shoulder- "Feeling a little dizzy after the weekends. There was whiskey..."

"John, you have to stop."

"By the way, I ended up with Charles. Well, technically he dumped me, but..."

"John, you have to stop living like this." 

They both went silent for a little. 

"I know," John sighed closing his eyes again "I listened to your message. Please, don't worry about me, I can control myself..."

"John, it's Wednesday," Alexander's voice went steel "No one knew your location for a last few weeks, you haven't appeared on your job, you drank yourself to senseless, and you tell me you can control yourself?"

John wasn't saying anything. 

"Did you give up smoking?"

"Sure," his hand found the pack of cigarettes on the table and instinctively squeezed it.

"You are lying. "

"You know me too well."

"John, holy fuck," he instantly imagined Alex rolling his eyes "You are a doctor. You know how bad this endless drinking and smoking are for your health."

"What if I don't need this health," John mumbled angrily. 

"I don't get it, John. I really don't."

They went silent again.

"Please hear me out. You've got some problems that need to be fixed."

All I ever wanted was you.

"I think you should see a psychologist. Someone who can help you to find a way out of this."

"You are right," John suddenly found himself smiling. Alexander's tone wasn't annoyed or angry, it was full of care and a sincere desire to help. 

"I'm sure that Eliza can help with that."

Eliza.

John sunk his nails into the edge of the table uncontrollably and felt truly ashamed of himself. He liked Eliza, of course, she was a wonderful person, a caring friend, they were in college together; he dated Alex before her.

Why can't he just accept the fact that they are happily married for almost fifteenth years?

"I think I'll find someone at job," he responded trying his voice to sound calm.

"Good," Alex's voice was heard that he's smiling, and a warm feeling filled Laurens' heart.

"How is she, by the way? How are kids?"

"We are all fine," Alex's voice went harsh again "But Philip is a little disappointed that his lovely godfather didn't come to his concert."

"God, I'm so so so sorry," John groaned, promising himself never to drink again "Is he still mad?"

"He'll come through I think. And I know who is really mad at you right now."

"Lafayette" John sighed. 

"Exactly. Don't call him or Herc. Laf'll come here, kill you with a whiskey bottle and call it "an act of retaliation". And Herc'll start shouting or sarcastically killing your brain, but he'll turn off at the middle of a phrase, because he hasn't slept for more than 30 hours babysitting Virginia."

John laughed. 

"That's why I don't wanna have children."

"Last time I called him he said he wanna buy a killing license."

 

"John, promise me," Alex stopped laughing suddenly, his tone becoming serious in a moment "Promise me you'll stop. Promise me that you'll come back to job, that you'll see a doctor."

"Okay...okay, I promise."

"We all love you" Alex continued, voice warm and loving "And we care about you, and we'll help you no matter what. But your own desire is the most important."

"Thank you" John smiled, his eyes full of tears "For everything."

"Be smart, turtle boy."

"Go back to your very important work, oaf," John smirked false-irritated "Write laws, order coffee or something. Punch Jefferson's face for me, okay?

"I'm gonna kick his ass today," Alexander exclaimed gleefully "I gotta go, gotta get the job done. Don't do anything stupid, okay?"

"I love you," John said in a phone. Alex disconnected already and only short beeps went from it.

He sighed and pulled his hand on a beer can again. It was warm now, but no matter. His headache decreased a bit after a talk.

His phone buzzed suddenly. John took it immediately expecting a little message from Alex or more angry message from his friends or ex. And it was really a short note from Alexander, simple "Good luck!" with a smiley face.

John smiled again, but then he noticed another message notification from an unknown number. Ignoring his friends' and colleagues' unread messages, he opened this one, suddenly interested.

It was sent only this morning. 

"Dear Mr. Laurens,

I am bothering you in the case of exceptional importance, I can only tell you about privately. Please contact me as soon as you're can. That's an emergency. 

Mr. Arthur Termote, the lawyer."


	2. Chapter 2

/  
/  
/

...It was a warm July night and everyone who would see a wedding in a Schuyler mansion, would say that it was the most beautiful wedding in the world. 

It really was- luxurious ceremony, delicious dishes, great band and crowds of guests, congratulating the new happily married. The Schuylers really made everything for their daughter's wedding being the most wonderful in the world.

But you could only look at the groom and the bride to understand that they barely needed this. Alexander's and Eliza's eyes were only at each other's smiling faces. As their friends made speeches and toasts, their eyes were shining with genuine happiness and love. They've come through so much- starting from Eliza's father forbidden her to marry to "a man without a dollar to his name". They deserved all the happiness they finally got. 

They were so deeply in love, and John hated it.

He took a glass with some fancy cocktail and leaned on a bar table. The party was coming to the end, most of the Schuyler family guests left, so only the closest friends were still staying. 

Alexander and Eliza were slowly dancing on an empty dance floor. John watched Alex whispering something in Eliza's ear with a grin and her blushing, and took a big sip of his drink.

After almost 5 years he's still jealous. 

Why, why did he agree when Alex suggested to remain friends? Why did he say "Holy shit, Lex, this is a great idea!" when Alex decided to ask Eliza to marry him?

Why did he let him go away so easily?

John turned away from a couple sighing heavily. What's the point to regret what has passed? They are married now, and it means that Alex's lost for him forever. He could never break a family. 

But why is that still so painful to look at them, hugging and kissing?

John winced putting a glass back on the table. These fancy cocktails are such a garbage. He'd give anything now for a bottle of Sam Adams.

Some movement from the left side caught his attention. John turned his head and saw a girl approaching to the table.

"Do you mind if I?..." she asked waving her hand at the chair. 

"Of course, sit down," John finally recognized a girl as a wedding photographer "Miss Manning, right?"

"Call me Martha." she held her hand out for a handshake.

"John Laurens." he shook her hand and returned to contemplation of the couple dancing. 

"You're groom's best man, right?" Martha asked after a short silence. 

"Yeah" John responded not taking his eyes off Alexander "We've been best friends since college. And I know the bride for so long as well."

"I see."

She touched his hand after a few seconds of silence. 

"Do you like her? The bride?"

"What do you mean?" John finally looked at her face. It was framed witht he few wisps of brown wavy hair, green eyes watching him with a strange mix of mirth, calm and...pity?

"It's pretty obvious, you know" she leaned back on her chair, taking a sip from her glass "You can't take your eyes of them all the evening."

John suddenly felt a burst of hysterical laugh rising in him. Martha decided that he's into Eliza!? 

"You're right." he mumbled finally, not willing to ruin a legend. 

"Poor thing," she looked at him pitifully, stroking his hand "Falling in love with a bride of your best friend...it must be terrible."

Is she flirting with him?

"Yes, it is." 

Oh, if she'd only know...

"Are you free tonight?" she asks looking at him with blurred eyes "There're some cool bars out of here..."

Martha leans closer to him, but John doesn't move.

They are both so drunk, so sore in mind and they both only want to make out.

Weird, stupid idea comes to Laurens' foggy head. He'll regret it, predictably. 

But he does not care anymore.

"You know," instead of pulling her off, he leans closer too, feeling Martha's hot breath on his cheek "We don't need these preludes, do we?"

"Oh, yes." she whispers. John smirks bitterly.

"You, me, the guest bedroom?"

He doesn't remember their way upstairs, them in the room, on the bed, kissing passionately, and doing other things.

It all comes like a flesh in his mind, a futile attempt to numb the pain of knowing. 

Knowing that Alexander isn't his anymore and forever.   
/  
/  
/

John frowned rereading the message. It was really something unexplainable.

Besides, he was interested. Whatever it is, it doesn't look like a trap or a joke. It might be something important.

So John quickly tapped the answer, apologizing for the long wait, and yes, he'd really like to meet, so how about 3 o'clock in a local cafe?

The response came immediately. Mr.Termote agreed and asked not to be late, because "it's the matter of great urgency".

John pulled a phone back into his jeans pocket. "The emergency" really caught his attention, probably for the first time in the month.

Laurens turned the water on and stuck his head under the faucet, moaning of pleasure, when cool little jets of water flowed across his face.

He ran across the small flat looking for not-wrinkled t-shirt- or at least a clean one. Coming to the door, he tried not to look at the mirror. Somehow John knew, that he wouldn't like what he'd see there.

Laurens came out of his house. 

He'd catch a bus as he always did (after he had to sell his car), but now John wanted some space. The coming talk to his boss predictably was going to be tough, so it would be better to have some fresh air.

After two weeks of booz spent in a stuffy apartment, warm July wind hit John in the head, almost intoxicating him. The weather was beautiful, and he even stopped for a minute and just enjoyed the atmosphere with closed eyes. Warm air tickled his cheeks.

If it was a normal day, he might go to Alex's work and just chat to him and Burr for a minute, eat a shitty taco or pick up kids from school at Eliza's request. But this was not his usual day. Today was a day of fixing.

The day he'll- or at least try to- get his life better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay  
> I'm sorry, that chapter is such a filler, but I really wanted to add a flashback  
> John tries to make smt up at least :)  
> Comment please!!


	3. Chapter 3

It was almost 2 pm, when John finally arrived at his job's place. 

Everything, literally everything in the external appearance of the building and its high grey walls, in the atmosphere of a spacious hall and it's marble floors was literally screaming about how expensive this hospital was.

The hospital he worked at was private, and it was really hard for John to get a job in there. Well, stupid enough for him missing 2 full weeks. His boss was always saying that there're no irreplaceable specialists. 

John stood outside for a few more seconds gaining his strengths before the upcoming conversation. Something was telling him that the talk was going to be rough. 

He went inside and walked right to the reception desk, looking straight ahead. 

John knew that behind his back his colleagues were looking at him, gossiping about where he's been all this time, about his rumpled appearance. He'd hear their whispers from there.

But he preferred to pretend that he didn't. 

"Hey, Sally."

The head nurse, young pretty woman with a shock of curly black hair, smiled discreetly. She was actually one of a few persons here he didn't hate to death.

"Laurens. You look terrible."

"Oh, come on," he pouted "It shouldn't be that bad."

"Smells as bad," Sally's smile became a little warmer "What happened to you? Almost two weeks passed."

"My college friend's birthday," a lie, by a weak hopeless liar that you are "She turned 31. We went upstates and the celebration has gone a little too far."

Of course, he lied. Peggy's birthday was in more than 3 months, and for 10 years already they never got really drunk on her birthday. 

"Okay then," John wasn't sure if Sally actually believed him.

"Anyway, I need to talk to Dr. Livingston."

"The chief's doctor office. But be careful, "the boss" is tough today."

"Y'mean, tougher than usual," he smirked and went away from the counter "Thanks, Sally."

"Come back when you're done," she shouted in his back "I'll get you some analgin."

John waved her back running upstairs. 

Laurens couldn't actually explain why he lied. Sally wasn't silly at all, and surely she didn't believe him. He saw it in her eyes, a shadow of sadness, misunderstanding and light frustration on her face. She didn't believe him- but still pretended she did.

Everyone has already long known about his actual lifestyle. John could see people looking at him with indulgence, and hated it. He was never the one to ask for indulgence or pitying. Never.

But he hated himself mostly. 

He very soon was standing in front of a massive door with a "Dr.Livingston, the chief doctor " plate on it.

Jobn cautiously opened the door without knocking.

Middle-aged woman who was sitting at the table gave him a quick frown, not looking up from the phone conversation. John was actually used to it, but he kept standing in the doors waiting.

The woman finally finished her conversation and put her phone on the desk. She glared at him again before turning back and started writing something down.

"Sit down, Mr. Laurens," she threw, not looking up from her papers.

He sat down on one of the chairs near the table keeping at a respectful distance. The woman still wasn't talking to him.

John let himself relax a bit. He looked around the room. Nothing actually changed since the last time he visited this office. The same shelves with blue folders, light expensive furniture, cluttered desk, and a massive silver ashtray in the form of lungs- Dr. Livingston's smoking habit was haunting her since college. 

Dr. Livingston (as everyone already understood) finally finished writing and looked up at John with her famous cold hard look. John was actually used to it, but even he felt his back freezing under his boss's eyes.

"Well, well, well," Dr. Livingston broke the silence, her voice husky as usual "Here we have Dr. Laurens screwing up again. Where have you been, sir?"

John's going to respond- to tell a lie, a weak excuse, to make something up again- something she'd definitely not believe- but she's not letting him to insert a word.

"No no, do not bother yourself. Let me guess; was it some of your nephews' birthday? Which one this time?"

John could feel his face turning red. How did he come to use his friends' children birthday as an excuse to get drunk, trying to drown his sorrows in whiskey?

"Leave your fairy tales for the nurses, Laurens," her sharp voice was getting more and more loud "You can not trick ME."

"I know," John whispered, lowering his head "I'm sorry."

"You look messy as fuck," she snapped angrily "And smell like a damp raccoon."

John didn't say anything. There's no need to give excuses on something that obvious. 

"John," Dr.Livingston says after a few seconds of silence, and there's something else in her voice except anger. It's a little softer.

"Yes?"

"You know that if it keeps going this way I'll fire you."

"Come on, Kitty," he exclaimed waving hands "We were in college together!"

"Exactly!" she yelled leaning back in her wheelchair "But for all these years I worked hard and managed to become a head doctor, and you turned into an alcoholic who can't control his own life!"

"I can control my own life, okay?" from Kitty's piercing voice, he twisted in his temples. Wincing lightly, John got a hand in his hair "I admit that a had...hard times."

"Hard!" She snorted "You're too kind to yourself, Laurens."

"But I really came through this, Kitty," John hauled his head up looking right to woman's eyes "Please. I promise."

For a few seconds they kept staring into each other's eyes. Kitty's deadpan green eyes and inflamed blue look of John's.

Finally John lowered his eyes. Fuck it. She shall not give him a second chance. 

"Four days."

He probably misheard.

"What?"

"Four days," she repeated with a light annoyance "You have four days to freshen the nip and to clean yourself up. After that you come back to your regular schedule."

John's chest filled with joy.

"God, Kitty..."

"You're welcome, Laurens," she hemmed and suddenly went into a fit of coughing.

"I won't let you down. Promise" a wave of relief swept over his heart. He is not losing a job. Everything still can be fixed.

John wasn't talking to his tough boss anymore. Harsh and sarcastic Dr.Livingston was all gone and replaced by his old college friend Kitty- still impish, but folksy. She was actually the one who taught him smoking weeds.  
"Y'know," John continued in much more relaxed tone "Today the world seems to give me second chances."

"You talked to Alexander, didn't you?" she smirked pulling out of her white robe pocket a pack of cigarettes "Tell him that he's a dick."

"You simply hate him."

"I never hide it," she beautifully lit a cigarette, exhaling smoke rings "My congratulations on his and his wifey's anniversary."

He almost forgot about their anniversary. It's been...what? Fourteen years. 

Fourteen years of hopeless crush.

"Okay, I have to go now," John's eyes stopped on the clock hanging on the wall "I have a meeting in less than 10 minutes."

"What kind of meeting?" Kitty asked curiously "Tell me you're not going to a bar."

"Nope," John stood from a chair "Actually I have no idea what it's gonna be. Some lawyer. I hope I'll receive an inheritance."

Kitty bursted out husky laughing. 

"Cruel!"

He only shrugged with a smile growing on his face.

"Nothing actually connects me to family."

John went to the door saying quick good buy to Kitty. When his hand was already on the door handle, she suddenly called to him.

"John?"

"Yeah?" he turned back still smiling.

Kitty was smiling too.

"John Laurens," her smile came more wide which was already unusual "If in four days you will not be standing here, in front of me, completely sober and ready to save people's lives, I'll fire you."

Okay, Kitty was replaced with Dr.Livingston again.

"You get it, dear?" she exclaimed with a gentle smile "And believe me, I'd give you such recommendations that you would hardly get a job in a free hospital where you'd have to clean up after the bums. ARE WE ALL CLEAR?!"

John burst out of the office in a cold sweat. Such metamorphosis always scared him to death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments please! Tell if you liked the Chapter! Btw, how do you think what kind of doctor John'd be? I'm a little confused about that..*-*


	4. Chapter 4

As soon as John stepped out of the building, he inadvertently pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket's pocket. He thoughtfully lit a cigarette going down the street.

The wind was blowing the leaves and dust down the street. It was almost 3 o'clock, and groups of pupils who were coming back from the schools, were running all around, laughing and screaming. John smiled looking at them.

I have to call Pip after that meeting, he thought to himself with a smile.

.  
.  
.

Just as John entered a cafe, a middle-aged man in a grey suit waved a welcoming hand. Laurens came closer smiling gently.

"Sorry, am I late?" He asked sitting down on a chair.

"No, not at all." Mr.Termote put down his cup of coffee "I've to apologise for tearing you away from work..."

John laughed unnaturally.

"Believe me, you don't."

"This is really a thing of great importance." Mr.Termote clicked the clasp of his briefcase and took out a folder "And it couldn't wait."

"What is this?" John leaned back feeling a bit puzzled. 

"I want to start from the beginning," Mr.Termote opened a folder "Please be prepared, Mr.Laurens, it might shock you."

"Start already." John didn't mean to sound rude, but all the tone of this lawyer escalated the situation, so his voice came uncontrolled. 

"First of all, what kind of relationship did you have with one Martha Manning?"

"We...dated." Now John's cheeks went bright red "Well, basically we didn't."

"What do you mean?"

"We've been living together for about...a week? Ten days maybe?"

"When and where," the lawyer took a sip of his coffee and frowned of the hot air coming from the cup "Did it take place?"

"Fourteen years ago," the date of Alexander and Eliza's wedding, the one he would never forget "Here, in New York."

"And have you ever met her ever again?"

"No. I can't even say that we were ever close.

"I see..." he murmured.

"Listen, what's going on?"

"She died."

"Oh my...what happened?"

"Lung cancer. The last stadium. There was unfortunately nothing doctors could do."

"I'm so sorry." John murmured "But I still don't understand why I'm here."

"The clue is," Mr.Termote opened a foder and took some papers out of it "That miss Manning left a will."

Silly sudden thought came to Laurens' mind.

It seems like I'm getting an inheritancehe, he thought and was immediately ashamed of his owm thoughts.

"It was officially opened a few days ago. Miss Manning also left a few testamentary dispositions. Personally there is a letter for you, Mr.Laurens"

He gave John an envelope of thick paper and John took it slowly.

He opened an envelope and took a sheet of paper covered in neat handwriting.

There was a letter from a woman he hasn't seen for 14 years.

 

○○○○○  
John Laurens,

I don't think you actually remember me, but believe me, I do. Fourteen years ago, we met on a wedding in NYC. I have to admit, you attracted me, but when I look back at these days I see how young and inexperienced we were, and how much trouble it caused.

Long story short, I know that there's no hope left for me. My sickness is too neglected, but I don't care about it anymore. I've lived a good life after all.

There's only one thing that I care about in all the world. The one thing you have a responsibility of too. I'm talking about my daughter. 

Your daughter.   
○○○○○

 

My what?!

At this words John stopped. The letters were burning in front of his eyes. He raised shocked eyes on the lawyer.

"I..." stupid mouth immediately got dry. John couldn't say a word, just kept blinking. 

"Please, sir, read till the end."

John finally made himself to look down on a letter and continue reading. His fingers shaked, squeezing the paper.

 

○○○○○  
Fourteen years ago we broke up, and I left to Britain. There, I found out about my pregnancy.

At first I was planning to do an abortion, but something made me change my mind. Believe me, this was the best solution I've ever done in my life.  
○○○○○

 

Why didn't you inform me, John wanted to ask, but all that left after Martha Manning was this sheet of paper, unable to answer his question. And a girl, his daughter, somewhere far away.

 

○○○○○  
I should apologize that I never told you about your daughter existence. I knew nothing about your location, and, let's be honest here- we were never close. I didn't want to drag you into a family life forcibly. Perhaps, I knew about your sexual orientation, and also I wanted to raise a child by myself.  
○○○○○

 

She knew? John got puzzled a little, but then he remembered. Oh yes, she knew...

 

○○○○○  
John, I'm going to talk serious now. My parents died, and I have no other relatives. You are the only one Frances is going to have after I pass.  
○○○○○

 

Frances. Frances Manning. Frances Laurens.

 

○○○○○  
That's why I'm writing my letter. I ask, I beg you- care about her. Care about Frances, take her under your wing. Please, John, don't ever let her feel alone.   
○○○○○

 

John's brain refused to believe in this. That couldn't be true, that all. He can not have a daughter!

"Breathe, sir. I warned you that it'll be shocking."

"I..." John slowly brought his hand to his forehead "Yes, it's kind of shocking.

"This is an absolutely normal reaction, Mr.Laurens."

"Y'know, when I came here I thought I'd get an inheritance. That maybe on of my uncles died or shit." John almost hysterically giggled.

"You need to calm down."

"Yes, you're right," John nodded slowly and closed his eyes. Immediately Eliza's voice ranged out in his mind.

"Breathing exercises are very helpful, John. Breathe in...breathe out- it's very simple! If you'd ever have a panic attack..."

Funny, he was definitely sure that he would never use Eliza's advises or a breathing technique she's been doing with her patients.

"Take your time, sir."

Okay, breathe in...breathe out. Breathe in...breathe out. Breathe in...breathe out. Breathe in...

"I think I'm ready," John opened his eyes sighing one more time. Mr.Termote nodded simply.

"Of course, we can not just give you that girl without careful inspection and attention to all details. The DNA tests..."

"Give her to me?" John clung to the chair so hard his knuckles turned white.

"If she turns out to be your daughter," Mr.Termote grabed some papers from his suitcase "Otherwise she'll be sent in the orphanage."

He raised his eyes from the papers right on John.

"Mr.Laurens..."

"Call me John." John blurted out. 

"John," Mr.Termote's voice softened "Even if the girl turnes out to be yours biologically, you can still refuse to take over her. No one can make you do it."

John didn't raise his head.

You can refuse.

But what a monster you have to be to do that?

She's not yours. You'd be a horrible father for her, do you really want to ruin her live?

Look, maybe it's a sign for you! You were going to change your life, this girl might...

If you refuse you'd be just like your father.

Do you wanna be anything like your father?

"I understand you need time."

"No," John stopped him noticing surprised look on the lawyer's face "I made a decision already. I agree...on whatever it is. All the procedures."

John had to sign up many papers. As Mr.Termote said the bureaucratic procedures weren't finished. He also needed to pass the required tests and a DNA test, do a tonne of paper work to prepare documents on adoption.

They've been discussing it for a whole hour, and Laurens' brain seemed to blow up every second.

When they were saying their goodbyes and shaking hands, Mr.Termote suddenly said:

"Just my opinion, John, but I think it's very honourably of you. You're a very brave person, sir."

John smiled a ragged fake smile.

"By the way, do you maybe have...a Frances' photo?

"No," Mr.Termote shook his head "But I'm sure she's a nice girl. Are you planning to tell your family members about this?"

"I don't. But I know people whom I really have to tell it right now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, something big is happening! 
> 
> Kudos and comments please♡ It's really important to see that your work is worth at least something


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *comes with a chapter almost 3 months later: I'm back bitches

One of Hercules' weird habits was to start every phone talk without any permission or introduction, like the previous talk has never stopped.

"Someday," he started immediately without even letting John to say hello "I'm gonna go to that orphanage Eliza keep blowing money on."

"Aren't Georges and Virginia enough for you?" John laughed. 

"I'll take there six toddlers," Herc continued in a serious tone "And give 'em all to you."

"God, why?"

"Because, firstly, you'll suffer," He replied venomously "Secondly, you wouldn't be able to drink whiskey sitting in front of a TV all naked, playing Mario Kart."

"Awesome," John rolled his eyes.

"And the last, you'll learn," Herc stated adamantly "On your own damn head, that you should never call someone when he's trying to put his kid into sleep. Now Virginia is awake again, and she doesn't wanna sleep anymore."

"If she doesn't wanna sleep anymore, then what's the problem?" John asked puzzled a little "Just don't put her into sleep."

"That's called a regime, Laurens," Hercules sighed "Don't fucking ask me how it works, I don't get it too, but babies need it. Go ask Laf, cause he definitely knows how to deal with that stuff, even though we didn't do it with Georges."

"You two seem to have a little hard time right now, don't you."

"It's good to hear your voice," Hercules replied, ignoring the question "I thought you drived up to Seattle. You know, from not seeing you for full two weeks."

"Sorry, okay?"

"John Laurens, what goddamn time are you doing this."

"Hey, you are not my dad!"

"If I were anything like your dad, I'd hang myself," Hercules said with a scary seriousness "He's horrible. And I am a good dad! Yes I am! Yes I am!..."

"Are you talking to me or Virginia right now?"

"Try to guess, dumbass," Hercules chuckled "Aren't you supposed to be currently dying of a hungover?"

"Nope! I've been up since early morning. I even went to the hospital today."

"I hope Livingston fired your ass up."

"She gave me a second chance," John rolled his eyes "Are you getting physical satisfaction from insulting me? I thought it's a Madison's thing."

"Sorry, man," Hercules sighed "I don't feel well. It's Alexander's superpower to stay up for 3 days only on black coffee. I don't wanna complain..."

"Go on, talk to me!"

"I do love my children, but if I look at them all one more time, I'll die."

"I can babysit them later for you and Laf..." John suggested. 

"No." Herc cut off immediately "We're not letting you around children after the incident. "

"Come on, nothing bad happened then..."

"YOU FORGOT GEORGES IN A MALL!" Hercules exclaimed indignantly "He was ONE YEAR OLD!! How did you even forgot a crib on a taco bell desk?!"

"Alexander lets me babysit his children." John whined.

"Babysitting Hamilton children while their mother is in the same room is not actual babysitting, Laurens."

And at this moment John suddenly understood something. Babysitting his friends' kids was fun. Playing or hanging out with them, telling them awesome stories about college- of course, omitting parts about usual freshman year depression, smoking weeds and the exhausting finals. It was alright. Two hours a week or even a whole evening. 

The longest time he has spent with Hamilton children was when Alexander and Eliza were having their 7th anniversary and went to Spain for a week, and he pleasantly offered them his babysitting service. 

John has never regretted anything more in his life.

But his daughter was supposed to be with him all the time. How was he supposed to deal with her?

And she's a teenager. What can be worse than a British teen girl who lost her mother not so long ago?

Belated shock hit him hard in the mind.

"John? You still there?"

"I'd be a horrible father." John blurted out. 

"Hey, are you okay?" Hercules immediately checked weird notes in his voice.

"Guys, I need you," John's legs weakened. He walked to the nearest bench and sat heavily on it "All of you. Right now."

"John..."

"This is hella important, Herc!"

Hercules was silent for a few seconds, so John could only hear Virginia's happy babbling in the background. 

"Please..."

"Shut up and head straight to the usual place," Herc cut him off "I'll figure something out with Virginia."

"Thank you," John squealed, unable to speak a whole sentence because of the flood of emotions.

The only things that he loved about his life were his friends. The only people in the whole world he could count on, they eventually felt like a family. Like a real one.

John always had his real siblings. Of course they all were very close, sharing joys and sorrows together. John could never imagine his life without them.

And when Martha and Mary both got married and left, he maybe felt a little left behind. 

But when Henry Jr. went to Britain to boarding school, and James went too just 2 years later, then John felt truly alone.

"Um, and could you please..." John started uncertainly.

"Call Lafayette," Herc finished with a snide chuckle "He'll kill you with a whiskey bottle."

"Please!"

"I'll call him and Alex," Hercules huffed "Just go to the bar and wait for us. Try not to get drunk."

"What have I done to deserve you, Herc," John exclaimed sensually.

"Probably something wonderful," Hercules laughed, obviously pleased "Maybe in you last life you defeated the monarchy."

"Exactly!" John straightened up smiling. In college they all have spent a few hours on talks about them possibly being reincarnations. The memories of 19-years-old Alexander furiously proofing that no, he definitely could not be a mockingbird in his past life, made him smile.

"I'm sure I was a revolutionary!"

"And now you're an alcoholic," Hercules summed up cheerfully "And I always thought Laf would be one. Life is unpredictable, right?"

Unpredictable.

The tight knot in John's heart ached again.

"Very."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wtf how do you even name your kid after a goddamn state  
> Btw did you catch a reference??? 
> 
> Comment please!♡!

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment!! I need to know if I need to continue! <3


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